This picture was taken on the first day of school in 2005. Aren't they precious?
I
have been on the verge of having a good cry for several weeks. If you’ve been
reading my blog, you know I’m really struggling with remembering that God loves
my kids more than me.
It’s
very hard for me to not try to fix things that are going wrong. It’s hard for
me when my kids are making decisions that aren’t what I would choose for them.
Some
are detrimental to their well-being. Some decisions could be life-altering… and
not in a good way.
It’s
hard to remember that I made serious and life-altering decisions when I was
their age. I wanted to be right about everything. I wanted to believe that the
people I was with had some good qualities and, because I am a nice person, I
would rub off on them.
But
the opposite happened, and I was pulled down into the depths of despair
instead.
You
might think I’m being dramatic, but I’m just being honest. During that time, I
was hungry (no money), had utilities shut off for non-payment, had a very high
anxiety level, and was even homeless for a short period of time.
But
I refused to give up.
That
can be a good quality in someone, that sheer determination to make everything
work out well. But it can also be bad if you can’t admit that you were wrong
and make changes to your own life that will be for your benefit. No, that is
not selfish, but some people might tell you that it is.
And,
in all truthfulness, it’s scary. When you live your life a certain way for a
period of time, it’s scary to change… even if the change is good. You don’t
know what is coming your way, though, and one sharp-turn decision, one
180-degree turn, could be the catalyst to changing your life.
For
me, it was running towards Jesus. It was me running to Him at a slow pace, but
Him meeting me with open arms. It was me admitting I don’t have all the answers
to my life, or the lives of other people I know.
When
it’s my kids, though, I’m having trouble. I’m having trouble keeping my mouth
closed and allowing them to make these decisions that are the direct opposite
of what we’ve taught them for 18+ years. It’s me not alienating them with the
things that I say or the way I treat them. I just want to take them, shake
them, and say, “Please, please listen to me! I know what I’m talking about!”
The
thing is, though, they know. They know the path I chose and how hard it was for
me. They know my first husband was abusive, and they know I suffered greatly at
his hand. They know I was homeless for a few weeks because of my decisions. And
yet, here we are at this place.
I
feel that if I could just have a good cry, I wouldn’t cry a little every day... some days more than others. I wouldn’t tear up at every single song that has something to do with
the way God loves us and cares about us. And I pray for them when I hear certain
songs, like “He Knows My Name” by Francesca Battistelli, that they will KNOW that
God knows their names. He has written their names in Heaven. I pray that God
will show Himself to them in a real and personal way so they have no more
doubts that He is who He said He is. I pray that they see Truth as a
cornerstone to their lives and find it significant. I pray for them to believe
it and live it and be open to whatever future God leads them to.
I’m
praying for me, too, because I find myself not knowing what to do. It was easy
when they were little. I “controlled” their schedule. I didn’t always control
what they did, and they were kids, so they did wrong things sometimes. But as we
grow and mature, we learn from our mistakes and try NOT to make them again.
I’ve
said to before, and I’ll say it again. Being a parent is hard. I’ve been both a
kid and a parent, and I would say being a parent is harder. You can’t make your
kids make the right decisions. You can’t protect them from themselves. Oh, I
wish we could, and I would do it in a heartbeat.
But
we all have free will.
I’m
pretty sure that God wants to protect me from myself, too. I’m just grateful I
have Him to lean on in these times. As much as I love my boys, God loves them
more.
And
again, He loves me, too.
Psalm 126:5 – Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.
Psalm 30:5b - Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.