It
is a horrible tragedy.
I’m
talking about the story about Ray Rice and the video of the assault of
his then-girlfriend.
She’s
now said the media is to blame for her family’s problems and “accuses them of
ruining their life and causing unnecessary pain and embarrassment” (http://www.aol.com/article/2014/09/09/wife-janay-rice-stands-by-former-ravens-running-back-ray-rice-in-angry-instagram-statement/20959519/).
She is standing beside him during this controversy, even though SHE was the
victim in the assault.
This
is the theme of abusive relationships. According to the NNEDV (National Network to End Domestic Violence) website, www.nnedv.org, these are some of the “common
characteristics” of abusers.
“Some of the subtle warning signs
include:
They insist on moving too quickly
into a relationship.
They can be very charming and may
seem too good to be true.
They insist that you stop
participating in leisure activities or spending time with family and friends.
They are extremely jealous or
controlling.
They do not take responsibility for
their actions and blame others for everything that goes wrong.
They criticize their partner’s
appearance and make frequent put-downs.
Their words and actions don’t match.”
Personally, I can say I’ve seen
those in action, each of those… and some others.
Unfortunately, we all know that Ray
Rice has probably done this before. He didn’t look horrified, upset, or even remorseful,
when he drug her out of that elevator after she collapsed.
No one really knows for sure how
long this has been going on, or even if it still is. Was it just a one-time
loss of control with this one girl?
My ex-husband assaulted every girl
with whom he had a serious relationship. He was charming and controlling. And
dangerous.
And he could have killed me.
Another important fact to remember
is that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she is about to
leave him (I use these terms her/him, but violence can happen in any
relationship).
There are several phases in the “cycle”
of abuse.
1.
Tension
2.
Explosion
3.
Honeymoon
They can go on and on and on. You
get the picture. That’s why it’s called “cycle.”
There are different tactics abusers
use to control their victims. You can find this “wheel of abuse” at http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/.
I think maybe Janay Palmer-Rice
feels guilty. Oh, yes, we all know it isn’t her fault that her then-boyfriend
assaulted her. Something the whole world has now seen. But it doesn’t matter
what the truth is for victims of domestic violence. They (using collectively
though every situation is different) believe they can somehow change the person
they love. That somehow their love is enough to change them.
That simply is not true. But they
don’t know that.
You don’t truly know that until you
are out of the situation.
My heart really goes out to those
who are victims of any type of abuse.
There was absolutely NO help for me
when I needed it. There wasn’t a shelter or hotline for me to call in
1984-1989. Law enforcement relied on the victims to file charges against their
abuser. Even if there was visible evidence that someone tried to strangle you.
Even if.
I’m glad things are changing. It
really is about time we bring this problem to light.
And for the people who abuse others,
I do have sympathy for them, too. Do you know why?
Because they were probably abused,
too.
People really don’t need our
judgment. They need our help.
They need our compassion and resolve
that we will not abuse others.
They need to know we will stand with
them when they leave their abusers.
And the abusers need to know there
is help! If someone is willing to change, no matter what it takes, he/she will
succeed.
If you are in trouble, make the
call. Get some help.
1-800-799-7233
(SAFE)
Please.
(My story is written on my other blog at leavingdvbehind.blogspot.com).
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