Choices and Consequences

From other blog - (June, 2011)

Growing up is so hard.  Disciplining your children is hard, too.  I think it's worse when they get older.  When they are little, you can "make" them go to bed, go to their rooms, spank them if you do that, etc.  When they get older and make bad decisions, the trickle down effect of those decisions is painful, at best, for both child and parent.

My son has made some bad decisions in the last few weeks.  The trouble is he is a good liar.  I am a good lie detector, but he fools even me.  I don't really worry when my kids who are bad liars tell lies because I know they will be found out.  However, the good liar has his suave ways of skirting around things... for a time.

Unfortunately, the consequences of one bad decision, or even two, can harm future privileges.  You would think that he would know this!  Tonight, he had a crying meltdown.  The horrible thing was all I could do was stand there and snicker (I know; I'm a terrible mother!), really just laugh in disbelief, that he was so upset at the consequences of his behavior, like we would trust him so soon after the last incident (two days ago).

I feel bad for them, you know?  I remember being young, making stupid decisions and getting caught.  I remember I received no mercy from my parents, but I do give (sometimes a heaping mound) much grace to my kids.  I know they think I'm mean, maybe that I don't remember what it was like growing up.  The thing I try to tell them is that I DO remember growing up.  Yes, some of the things I did were so ridiculous, as I was a terrible liar, but they don't seem to be as serious as what is going on in the world with our children today.

For instance, we didn't have cell phones back then.  In fact, we were only allowed rotary phones in our small town.  So, my parents placed a push button phone in my room.  I could not dial out, but I could talk on it.  Didn't really help much when I was trying to make late night phone calls and got caught in the kitchen dialing on the gold rotary phone!

I also never cut classes at school.  We lived two blocks from the school, and there was no place to go.  I knew my mom would have found out, and I would have been in severe trouble.

But when it came right down to it, I did the wrong things over and over again.  Sometimes I was caught, and sometimes I wasn't.  I think maybe they just picked their battles or maybe the situation was too volatile.  I don't really know.  What I do know is that being a parent is just so difficult at times.  There are sometimes that I just want to say, "Well, okay, we'll let you off of your grounding, just this once..." But we have been burned before, in fact, just recently, by that, and I doubt that will happen again.

I told him earlier that this should be a lesson that things that seem to be pleasurable but are the wrong things to do will turn around and bite you in the behind.  Then, you are stuck with the consequences of what you have done.  And sometimes the people you care about, your friends and family, will also have to deal with the consequences... like you not getting to fly on a plane to see your friend.  A trip that you have been waiting for since last summer.  And your friend is very angry right now because he sees that it wasn't important enough for you to be good.

Things like that.

I wish that we could just take pain away from them at times, but this, unfortunately, is learning 101.  Not fun, but necessary in the lessons of maturity, responsibility and life.

Not Every Open Door is From God

As a perfectionist in recovery, I realize it's ridiculous to have three blogs. So, I'm merging two of them together. There aren't many entries from the other blog, so here we go. It doesn't have to be perfect, right?!

Not every open door is from God.

          Wow. That sentence hit me like an arrow in the heart. After assuming for my whole adult life that open doors only come from above, I felt like the pieces of my life, my judgment-making skills, my suppositions, and maybe even some of the final decisions my husband and I had made for our family may have been mistaken for being God’s will… but maybe they weren’t. I do believe that God can take things that we have messed up, misunderstood, and mistakes we have made, and weave them into something that still works into His will for our lives. Unfortunately, sometimes mistakes take you on a lengthier and more challenging road to your destination.

          Our pastor explained it like this… the way to determine whether an open door is from God, or not, is from three sources; Godly counsel, circumstances, and God’s Word. In addition, the open door will bring peace and comfort.

          This message really made me consider some of the decisions we have made. For instance, though the circumstances appeared to work in our favor, I’m not completely certain that we had counsel about our move from Missouri to Arkansas. We had been praying for God to give an opportunity for Jim to get back into teaching, and because there were no positions in the Kansas City metro area, we started looking outside the state… it appeared that Arkansas was our destiny because that’s where the open door was. The odd thing was I wasn’t afraid at first. For me, I considered that to be more confirmation.

          You see, for the majority of my life, I had a fear of change, and I think it crippled me in many ways. Fortunately for me, the Lord knew my weaknesses, and He paired me up in 1991 with a man who embraced change. And, consequently, he scared me, too. After being newly divorced from someone who used me, and abused me, I was so afraid to put myself completely out there, being vulnerable, and taking chances on being hurt again. With my mouth, I said I was ready to give my all, but my heart was still battered, still bruised, and bleeding. I wanted so much to move on into what is considered to be a real relationship built on trust, honesty, and love. But it’s hard for someone who had been so damaged to be healed in such a short period of time. Because of this, I also hurt the man I married. Obviously, it was unintentional, but as the saying goes, “hurt people hurt people.” Not meaning to, I lived up to that saying.

          During the time where I was being abused in all sense of the word, I stayed as far away from my friends, family, and church as I could. I guess I knew that they would be able to see through the façade, and they would know the truth: My life was a sham, and I was being shattered with every day I stayed in that situation. I believed the lie that I could smile, sweep it all under the rug, and it would go away. That is so untrue! It only comes back again, and again, and if I was not totally healed, then it would continue to come back until I was. And that was the cycle in which I continued for many years.

          Something great would happen, and then the enemy of my soul would try to deceive me, or accuse me, or present with something dangerous, maybe even something meant for catastrophe. And I would succumb to the feelings of worthlessness, and agony that my poor decisions brought into my life. This rotation continued to plague for quite some time. However, Jesus was still waiting for me to see what our relationship was meant to be, and I think He picked the perfect moment for my eyes to be opened because I remember it well, although it’s been almost twenty years.

          Along with my commitment to making Jesus the Lord of my life, not just my Savior, came a life of change. I had to comprehend that just because something stayed the same for a long time didn’t necessarily mean that it was God’s best design for me. To grow, you have to change… I had to change, and I finally understood.

          I have no doubt, at all, that moving from Wichita to Enid was a move that God called us to make. We had already been through so many issues, so many problems, things that would make any “normal” couple break up, and run as far away from each other as they could get… as fast as they could go. But we were still together after four breakups, talk of divorce, possible infertility, and infidelity. God obviously had plans for our marriage that transcended anything we would do to devastate our lives. And I have to say for that, I am eternally grateful.

          We prayed for answers, we prayed for each other, and we knew that we needed to make a drastic move in order to pursue the dreams we had. He wanted to be a high school theatre teacher, and I knew I wanted to be an elementary teacher, but more than anything, I wanted to be a wife, and mother. Going through Endometriosis treatment for several months was difficult, but the results were something that I never would have dreamed at the time... that God would bless us with not one, not two, but five sons.

          So, we talked to my grandma at Thanksgiving that year, 1993, right after our last big breakup, and subsequent cautious reunion, and she said that we could live in one of her rental houses, so we could attend Phillips University in Enid. I know my parents were not too sure about what was going to happen with our move. After all, in a span of two and one-half years, we met, got engaged a month later, I broke off the engagement two weeks before our August 3^rd wedding date, we got back together, his son was born to another woman two days before our August 17^th wedding, and he left me four times after that time. Only a couple of my trusted friends knew the whole story behind it all, how we were unfaithful to each other early on, and how that made our marital foundation very shaky. Guilt can plague and send you down a road to destruction if you let it.

I could understand anyone’s reservations because I had them, too. I had those questions looming in my mind, but the one that stuck out for so long was this: What if he leaves me again? Nevertheless, we still made plans to move to Enid. Open doors were all over that decision. Do I believe they were from the Lord? Indeed, I do.

          The blessings that flowed from our obedience were overwhelming. We found a church right away, which was something that was very important to us. We had decided that we would not just “settle” for the first church we attended. However, after one Sunday at Emmanuel Baptist Church, we just knew it was the place for us to make our church home. There was no “settling” in that choice. We met some really great friends right away, people who really cared about us, supported us, prayed for us, and people who were the embodiment of the word “friend.”

          Jim found several part-time jobs the first week he was there. He had to stay with my grandma for a few weeks while waiting for the tenants to move out of the house we would be living in. I was still in Wichita while I waited out the two-month notice I gave my boss, and while waiting to move out of our apartment. Because we had been apart several times, and had recently become more committed to each other, it was even more difficult being apart than I had even imagined.

          My main obstacle was my fear of resigning from a job that I felt really saved me. I started working there in January of 1989, right before I had the courage to leave my abusive first husband. I felt that the job gave me the beginning of bravery, strength, and confidence to move on with my life without him. I had been through a lot of emotional pain, and growth in my personal life while working there.

          I started as a Computer Operator and Purchasing Clerk. I loved the duties of the job. After a fire destroyed our floor, and several other areas of our building, I applied for another position in a different department, and I got it. I was so excited about it, and I excelled. My new boss and I were very close, and she knew a lot of the details, and struggles of my life. I trusted her completely, and she was very concerned when I gave her my notice. I had told her one other time that we were thinking about moving to Idaho, and I was very glad that she gave me some time to think about it before she replaced me. But this time was different, and we knew it. I had been there for five years, and it was hard saying goodbye to something I knew, and moving to something I didn’t.

          I finally joined Jim in Enid in February, and within two weeks, I had a full-time job opportunity at a bank. I was very excited about it, but I had no clue of the blessing that would be coming my way in just a few short weeks. This journey was full of God’s blessings, and his grace in giving a girl who had made some terrible decisions a fresh start on life, and love.

           (Part II to come)

"No More Perfect Moms" Book Review

I finished the book! As with any ending, it was sad and exhilarating at the same time. I would certainly recommend buying this book when you can. If you purchase from February 4th - 9th, there will be a great promotion going on!

I have placed my review for the book on three sites, Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Christian Book. Here it is:


"As a mom of five boys, I’m always looking for resources on raising kids. I love to read, and I have all kinds of books on kids and marriage. Even though they are wonderful, what I really need is something to help me, personally, as a woman.

Jill Savage’s new book, “No More Perfect Moms – Learning to Love Your Real Life” is just the “medicine” for mothers who feel that they “have to be” perfect and might be discouraged when they aren’t. Jill is a mother, herself, so she has experience, and that even makes the ideas in this book more authentic and beneficial to the reader. She encourages the reader to step away from trying to be perfect, and step towards being real. She addresses many subjects where we tend to expect perfectionism; our bodies, marriages, kids, homes, homemaking, and everyday life.

This is an awesome book! It reminded me that, in expecting perfection from myself, I also expected it from other people (my family included), and that places expectations on others they just cannot live up to. Savage ties it all together with a chapter about our perfect God, and a great appendix on “Where to Find Help When Feeling…”

I would certainly recommend this book to any and every woman. I think it’s great to read alone, and it would also be excellent as part of a book club, or Bible study group. It’s helped me look at things differently, and has been very inspiring and positive."

Being on the launch team, I was given an autographed copy of the book, and it's so awesome that Jill took the time to sign them all, to personalize them for each of us. Even though I read the book online, I still plan on sitting down with the hard copy in my hands and reading it again.  

Jill Savage is the real deal! I would encourage you to go over to her website at: http://www.hearts-at-home.org. You will find encouragement!

I'm Not Perfect

If you haven't seen my previous posts, I have been blessed to be a part the launch team for Jill Savage's new book, "No More Perfect Moms."

In reading the book, and being on the launch team, something unexpected has happened: I'm finding I'm not alone in my mom-wife-journey. And that has been so wonderful. I have met some of the neatest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. We are on this journey together, and that is really very comforting, even if we only "know" each other by blogging and facebook.

When I was married to my first husband, who was violent and abused me, I learned to put on a happy face. I didn't disclose to anyone what was really going on behind closed doors. I am sure that my friends and family knew violence was happening, but I never talked about it. I did, however, try to act like everything was fine... all the time. Even through the tears, bruises, bodily and emotional harm... and crushed spirit. I said and tried to act like all was still fine, and everything was going great!

I learned that when I started facing the truth, my life began to unravel. I didn't understand that it had to unravel in order for God to repair the damage that had been done for so long.

Even after getting married again to a great guy, and turning back to Jesus, I took all of my baggage into that relationship. Jim hauled some in, too, and we were a mess. For our first 2-1/2 years of being together, our friends didn't know if we were together, or split up each time we saw them. I couldn't figure out why we just couldn't make it work.

It was because I had unrealistic expectations. And so did he.

We've come a long way in almost 22 years. But we still succumb to unrealistic expectations.

You see, one of my struggles is placing unrealistic expectations on myself. In doing so, I also place those expectations on other people, too, especially to those who are closest to me. When they don't live up to them, I am sorely disappointed and wonder if it's something I have done, didn't do, should have done, etc. Being a mom, it's probably natural to expect that I am responsible for everything my kids do, or don't do. But I'm finding, albeit gradually, that my kids have wills of their own. They might decide to make mistakes that I wish they wouldn't. As much as we can "control" them when they are young, as they get older, they may not do things the way we wish they would.

Ouch.

I made so many mistakes in my young adult life, and I have prayed all these years that my boys would listen to me, heed my warnings, and not feel that they have to make the same mistakes. I have found that isn't the way things are in the "real" world. I was hardheaded and made some stupid decisions, so why would I expect they wouldn't be the same?

I am the first to admit I have a long way to go. And I'm grateful for my family who quickly forgives when I'm not perfect. I just need to work on forgiving myself, too.

"No More Perfect Homes" from "No More Perfect Moms" by Jill Savage

"More than anything, however, focus on the people living inside those walls. When you get right down to it, it's those flawed yet precious family relationships that make your house truly beautiful." - Jill Savage in "No More Perfect Moms"

I admit it. I'm not the best picker-upper. I used to be a total perfectionist because I believed I needed to be able to control everything in my life after getting out of an abusive relationship. Everything was perfect and in its place.

And I was alone... and lonely.

Then, when I was married again, I married a man who was the opposite of me. I had to compromise, but just a little bit. When I had one baby, I had to compromise a little more, but I was still able to hold it all together (seemingly). And then, I had another baby. And another. And then twins. In a five year time-span, I became a mother five times to five baby boys. And that was when I realized that I was not supermom, nor was I able to be a perfect housekeeper. In fact, I found that, the older the boys became, I didn't even want to do all the work. We were a family, and we began to function as a family that works together for the common good.

I taught my boys how to wash dishes and load the dishwasher. They learned how to clean their own bathroom and bedrooms. I gradually taught each of them how to wash their own laundry, folding it, hanging it up, and putting it away. And although none of them does it exactly how I do it, they have their own process, and that's okay. After all, we aren't raising children. We are trying to raise capable, dependable, responsible adults. I don't want them to be little boys their whole lives. Well, there is a part of me that is sad they are growing up way too fast, but I don't want them to be little boys in adult bodies. That wouldn't help them at all, and it would be ridiculous!

But we do have good relationships. We have not been blessed with an abundance of money, so we spend lots of time together in our living room - playing games, watching movies and TV, and talking. I think they all know they can talk to me and my husband about anything. If they are angry about something and maybe let something fly out of their mouths they shouldn't, we usually don't correct them. We let them say what they want, even if it's controversial to our belief system or feelings.

They need to learn to express themselves with confidence, and if they can't do it around family, where will they learn? From their friends who are also going through the same things? No, I would rather them be able to talk to us.

Our relationship with our kids is so important, and I'm grateful that God blessed my life with these wonderful sons. They aren't perfect, and neither am I. But we are learning how to relate to each other and build lasting love and respect for each other.

Our house will never look perfect, but I can live with it as long as I have the love of my family.