Not every open door
is from God.
Wow. That sentence hit me like an
arrow in the heart. After assuming for my whole adult life that open doors only
come from above, I felt like the pieces of my life, my judgment-making skills,
my suppositions, and maybe even some of the final decisions my husband and I
had made for our family may have been mistaken for being God’s will… but maybe
they weren’t. I do believe that God can take things that we have messed up,
misunderstood, and mistakes we have made, and weave them into something that
still works into His will for our lives. Unfortunately, sometimes mistakes take
you on a lengthier and more challenging road to your destination.
Our pastor explained it like this… the
way to determine whether an open door is from God, or not, is from three
sources; Godly counsel, circumstances, and God’s Word. In addition, the open
door will bring peace and comfort.
This message really made me consider
some of the decisions we have made. For instance, though the circumstances appeared
to work in our favor, I’m not completely certain that we had counsel about our move
from Missouri to Arkansas. We had been praying for God to give an opportunity
for Jim to get back into teaching, and because there were no positions in the
Kansas City metro area, we started looking outside the state… it appeared that
Arkansas was our destiny because that’s where the open door was. The odd thing was I wasn’t afraid at first. For me,
I considered that to be more confirmation.
You see, for the majority of my life,
I had a fear of change, and I think it crippled me in many ways. Fortunately
for me, the Lord knew my weaknesses, and He paired me up in 1991 with a man who
embraced change. And, consequently, he scared me, too. After being newly
divorced from someone who used me, and abused me, I was so afraid to put myself
completely out there, being vulnerable, and taking chances on being hurt again.
With my mouth, I said I was ready to give my all, but my heart was still
battered, still bruised, and bleeding. I wanted so much to move on into what is
considered to be a real relationship
built on trust, honesty, and love. But it’s hard for someone who had been so
damaged to be healed in such a short period of time. Because of this, I also hurt
the man I married. Obviously, it was unintentional, but as the saying goes,
“hurt people hurt people.” Not meaning to, I lived up to that saying.
During the time where I was being
abused in all sense of the word, I stayed as far away from my friends, family,
and church as I could. I guess I knew that they would be able to see through
the façade, and they would know the truth: My life was a sham, and I was being
shattered with every day I stayed in that situation. I believed the lie that I
could smile, sweep it all under the rug, and it would go away. That is so
untrue! It only comes back again, and again, and if I was not totally healed,
then it would continue to come back until I was. And that was the cycle in
which I continued for many years.
Something great would happen, and then
the enemy of my soul would try to deceive me, or accuse me, or present with something
dangerous, maybe even something meant for catastrophe. And I would succumb to
the feelings of worthlessness, and agony that my poor decisions brought into my
life. This rotation continued to plague for quite some time. However, Jesus was
still waiting for me to see what our relationship was meant to be, and I think
He picked the perfect moment for my eyes to be opened because I remember it
well, although it’s been almost twenty years.
Along with my commitment to making Jesus
the Lord of my life, not just my
Savior, came a life of change. I had to comprehend that just because something
stayed the same for a long time didn’t necessarily mean that it was God’s best design
for me. To grow, you have to change… I had to change, and I finally understood.
I have no doubt, at all, that moving
from Wichita to Enid was a move that God called us to make. We had already been
through so many issues, so many problems, things that would make any “normal”
couple break up, and run as far away from each other as they could get… as fast
as they could go. But we were still together after four breakups, talk of
divorce, possible infertility, and infidelity. God obviously had plans for our
marriage that transcended anything we would do to devastate our lives. And I
have to say for that, I am eternally grateful.
We prayed for answers, we prayed for
each other, and we knew that we needed to make a drastic move in order to
pursue the dreams we had. He wanted to be a high school theatre teacher, and I
knew I wanted to be an elementary teacher, but more than anything, I wanted to
be a wife, and mother. Going through Endometriosis treatment for several months
was difficult, but the results were something that I never would have dreamed
at the time... that God would bless us with not one, not two, but five sons.
So, we talked to my grandma at
Thanksgiving that year, 1993, right after our last big breakup, and subsequent cautious
reunion, and she said that we could live in one of her rental houses, so we
could attend Phillips University in Enid. I know my parents were not too sure
about what was going to happen with our move. After all, in a span of two and
one-half years, we met, got engaged a month later, I broke off the engagement
two weeks before our August 3rd wedding date, we got back together,
his son was born to another woman two days before our August 17th
wedding, and he left me four times after that time. Only a couple of my trusted
friends knew the whole story behind it all, how we were unfaithful to each
other early on, and how that made our marital foundation very shaky. Guilt can
plague and send you down a road to destruction if you let it.
I could understand anyone’s reservations
because I had them, too. I had those questions looming in my mind, but the one
that stuck out for so long was this: What
if he leaves me again? Nevertheless, we still made plans to move to Enid.
Open doors were all over that decision. Do I believe they were from the Lord?
Indeed, I do.
The blessings that flowed from our
obedience were overwhelming. We found a church right away, which was something
that was very important to us. We had decided that we would not just “settle”
for the first church we attended. However, after one Sunday at Emmanuel Baptist
Church, we just knew it was the place for us to make our church home. There was
no “settling” in that choice. We met some really great friends right away,
people who really cared about us, supported us, prayed for us, and people who
were the embodiment of the word “friend.”
Jim found several part-time jobs the
first week he was there. He had to stay with my grandma for a few weeks while
waiting for the tenants to move out of the house we would be living in. I was
still in Wichita while I waited out the two-month notice I gave my boss, and while
waiting to move out of our apartment. Because we had been apart several times,
and had recently become more committed to each other, it was even more difficult
being apart than I had even imagined.
My main obstacle was my fear of
resigning from a job that I felt really saved me. I started working there in
January of 1989, right before I had the courage to leave my abusive first
husband. I felt that the job gave me the beginning of bravery, strength, and
confidence to move on with my life without him. I had been through a lot of
emotional pain, and growth in my personal life while working there.
I started as a Computer Operator and
Purchasing Clerk. I loved the duties of the job. After a fire destroyed our
floor, and several other areas of our building, I applied for another position
in a different department, and I got it. I was so excited about it, and I
excelled. My new boss and I were very close, and she knew a lot of the details,
and struggles of my life. I trusted her completely, and she was very concerned
when I gave her my notice. I had told her one other time that we were thinking
about moving to Idaho, and I was very glad that she gave me some time to think
about it before she replaced me. But this time was different, and we knew it. I
had been there for five years, and it was hard saying goodbye to something I
knew, and moving to something I didn’t.
I finally joined Jim in Enid in
February, and within two weeks, I had a full-time job opportunity at a bank. I
was very excited about it, but I had no clue of the blessing that would be
coming my way in just a few short weeks. This journey was full of God’s
blessings, and his grace in giving a girl who had made some terrible decisions
a fresh start on life, and love.
(Part II to come)
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