Have you ever had a time when you doubted God’s
presence in your life? I have. 2010 was one of the times. Actually, 2006-2009
was like that, too. Looking back, however, I think that 2010 was the
culmination of it all.
We moved from MO to AR in the fall of 2006, and
that began a journey that was nothing less than excruciatingly painful. There
were times that were alright, and I did try to make the most of it. But when we
made the decision to move to TX in the fall of 2009, I was not expecting things
to be as difficult as they were in AR.
We moved to Texas in November of 2009. Jim
moved here in August, and our family was apart the majority of the fall. It put
pressure on us that far outweighed many other things that happened, but there
was an ending in sight. So, when we had Christmas that year, and we didn’t have
any resources to buy Christmas presents for the boys, we were just grateful to
be together. We were optimistic about 2010, and we didn’t cry when 2009 ended.
However, we found the trying times weren’t quite over.
January 2010 began with our washer breaking
down. Two weeks later, my uncle died unexpectedly. The next week, I started a
job that I was not cut out for. I was upset every day while working there, so
after 5 weeks, I resigned. That same week, our friend came to live with us for
a while to get his life straightened out, and then I was diagnosed with Sciatica.
The weekend my back/leg started hurting, my husband was out trying to find
somewhere for me to go for a massage, thinking it would help, and he rear-ended
someone. I missed all of the festivities with three of our kids for their
birthdays because I was in so much pain for 5 weeks. And in May, Jim was
rear-ended on the way to work. Trying to be nice, he didn’t call the police,
but only took her name and contact information. Probably an illegal, she never
paid like she promised, so we were out our deductible to get the car fixed…
again. And all of this within 5 months!
We kept thinking that, surely, things would get
better… right?
In June, our friend moved out while we were all
angry with each other. In July, our door was busted in by someone, though they
didn’t steal anything. Jim and I tried to help an elderly lady, and she was
difficult, at best, being verbally abusive to both of us.
Furthermore, we were going through a Deed in
Lieu of Foreclosure agreement with the bank regarding our house in Arkansas,
and it ended badly. In January, we received a final billing from the electric
company on the AR house. I thought this odd because I paid the bill. When I
called them, they said the bank called and took over the billing. Of course, I
didn’t know how the process worked, so it sounded legitimate. Unfortunately,
the bank didn’t know what they were doing because they neglected to pay the
electric bill, which caused the power to be shut off… which caused the basement
to flood because of the sump pump… which caused black mold in the basement…
which caused the Deed in Lieu of Foreclosure to be rejected. Because of the
bank’s negligence, we were headed for Foreclosure instead.
In August, we received notice that our lease
would not be renewed for the house we were living in. Then we received the
official foreclosure notice. Then, I got into “words” with our friend who had lived
with us.
I really felt like I was being battered
emotionally. I didn’t have anything else to give to anyone, and I didn’t want
to, either. I didn’t even know if God cared what was going on with us. It was a
chore to get up and dressed every day, but I tried.
I found out that Kari Jobe was going to be
leading worship at her home church, Gateway, on a particular weekend, and I
talked Jim into going. Several times that week, God had reminded me of Romans
8. It was crazy how many times those verses had come up! And then, that
Saturday night, the teaching pastor spoke on, you guessed it, Romans 8! It was
obvious that God was still working in my life, even though we were going
through so much, and I felt so alone.
One day, I drug myself out of bed, even though
I didn’t want to, and I went to a Bible study at church. “So Long, Insecurity”
was the study, and I can honestly tell you that it changed my life. It made me
look at things differently, and I started getting through two days, and then
three. I also got a job at our church, taking care of children while their
parents attended Celebrate Recovery and other church functions. And I didn’t
feel alone anymore.
When 2010 came to a close, we were in a nice,
new house, I had a part-time job, and things were seriously looking up for our
family. This doesn’t mean that we have not had trials since then. What it does
mean is this: when our cars break down, or our kids have problems, or we start
to feel alone, I compare the here and now to the year of 2010, and it doesn’t
seem so bad. I see that God’s hands, lovingly taking care of us in the middle
of that horrible year, and I am convinced that He will definitely be taking
care of us now. It may not be in the way we hope, but it IS in the way that is
best for us.
I’m
reminded of Romans 8…
“I consider that our present
sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For
the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.
For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by
the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation
itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom
and glory of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has
been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not
only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan
inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our
bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at
all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not
yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us
in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit
himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our
hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s
people in accordance with the will of God.
And we know that in all things God
works for the good of those who love him, who have been called
according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be
conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many
brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he
called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.
What, then, shall we say in response
to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare
his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him,
graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God
has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one.
Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right
hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love
of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or
danger or sword? As it is written: ‘For your sake we face death all day
long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.’
No, in all these things we are more
than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death
nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither
the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor
anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God
that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:18-end
If
you feel alone, or you wonder whether God is there, you can be assured that
nothing, nothing, will ever separate you from the love of God that is in Christ
Jesus.
