Put an End to Domestic Violence

It is a horrible tragedy.

I’m talking about the story about Ray Rice and the video of the assault of his then-girlfriend.

She’s now said the media is to blame for her family’s problems and “accuses them of ruining their life and causing unnecessary pain and embarrassment” (http://www.aol.com/article/2014/09/09/wife-janay-rice-stands-by-former-ravens-running-back-ray-rice-in-angry-instagram-statement/20959519/). She is standing beside him during this controversy, even though SHE was the victim in the assault.

This is the theme of abusive relationships. According to the NNEDV (National Network to End Domestic Violence) website, www.nnedv.org, these are some of the “common characteristics” of abusers.

“Some of the subtle warning signs include:

They insist on moving too quickly into a relationship.

They can be very charming and may seem too good to be true.

They insist that you stop participating in leisure activities or spending time with family and friends.

They are extremely jealous or controlling.

They do not take responsibility for their actions and blame others for everything that goes wrong.

They criticize their partner’s appearance and make frequent put-downs.

Their words and actions don’t match.”

Personally, I can say I’ve seen those in action, each of those… and some others.

Unfortunately, we all know that Ray Rice has probably done this before. He didn’t look horrified, upset, or even remorseful, when he drug her out of that elevator after she collapsed.

No one really knows for sure how long this has been going on, or even if it still is. Was it just a one-time loss of control with this one girl?

My ex-husband assaulted every girl with whom he had a serious relationship. He was charming and controlling. And dangerous.

And he could have killed me.

Another important fact to remember is that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she is about to leave him (I use these terms her/him, but violence can happen in any relationship).

There are several phases in the “cycle” of abuse.

1.    Tension

2.    Explosion

3.    Honeymoon

They can go on and on and on. You get the picture. That’s why it’s called “cycle.”

There are different tactics abusers use to control their victims. You can find this “wheel of abuse” at http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/.

I think maybe Janay Palmer-Rice feels guilty. Oh, yes, we all know it isn’t her fault that her then-boyfriend assaulted her. Something the whole world has now seen. But it doesn’t matter what the truth is for victims of domestic violence. They (using collectively though every situation is different) believe they can somehow change the person they love. That somehow their love is enough to change them.

That simply is not true. But they don’t know that.

You don’t truly know that until you are out of the situation.

My heart really goes out to those who are victims of any type of abuse.

There was absolutely NO help for me when I needed it. There wasn’t a shelter or hotline for me to call in 1984-1989. Law enforcement relied on the victims to file charges against their abuser. Even if there was visible evidence that someone tried to strangle you. Even if.

I’m glad things are changing. It really is about time we bring this problem to light.

And for the people who abuse others, I do have sympathy for them, too. Do you know why?

Because they were probably abused, too.

People really don’t need our judgment. They need our help.

They need our compassion and resolve that we will not abuse others.

They need to know we will stand with them when they leave their abusers.

And the abusers need to know there is help! If someone is willing to change, no matter what it takes, he/she will succeed.

If you are in trouble, make the call. Get some help. 

1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Please.

(My story is written on my other blog at leavingdvbehind.blogspot.com).  

Gratefulness Changes Things

If we were honest, we all would say there is something to be grateful for today.

Even if you world feels hopeless. Even if you feel that you are in the dark.

There is at least ONE thing to be thankful for today.

In my life, I have seen just how looking at my life from a place of gratefulness instead of negativity can change everything.

I’m not saying that life is easy because you know that would be a lie. But being grateful takes away some pain. While it may not take it all away, it still reduces it.

So, choose just one thing to be grateful for. See how you feel!

 (This is my rule-breaking dog, who insists on sleeping on the sofa with her head on a pillow instead of on her doggie bed...)

Jen Hatmaker's "7" - Having and Giving

I’m reading Jen Hatmaker’s book, “7.”

I confess I bought it over a year ago, and I think I might have been a little afraid to read it. It’s about taking a long, hard look at your life, “a call toward Christ-like simplicity and generosity that transcends a social experiment to become a radically better existence.”

From the moment I moved out on my own when I was 18, I have struggled. There has been not enough food, not enough clothing, not enough money… Not enough resources. But as I’m writing this, even though it seemed like “not enough,” God still brought me through. He still provided for me… even when I wasn’t following Him. Even when I turned my back on Him and everything I had been brought up to believe. Even when I did the things I said I would never do.

Even then.

So when I started reading this book last year, I remember thinking, “Oh, no… This is going to tell me I should live like I used to.”

But it doesn’t.

What this does do, however, is inspire me in the supposition that if I give to others, what I have (or don’t have) doesn’t seem that important. If I can share what I have been given with someone less fortunate than me, or maybe even MORE fortunate than me, I will be blessed.

I’m only to the end of Chapter Two.

How radical a thought that someone should go for a whole month only wearing 7 items of clothing! I love pajamas too much, and I would probably opt for wearing them instead of regular clothes. Of course, that would be a little ridiculous for Jen to have done, considering she is a woman’s ministry leader and speaker. She would definitely not wear pj’s out there in public.

It’s really odd reading her book because I kind of feel like I know her. She is one of those women who is REAL. Yes, I said it… REAL. She doesn’t seem to make herself into something that she’s not, and that was completely obvious while watching their renovation show on HGTV. I don’t live “that far” from Austin, and I thought about how cool it would be to drive down and go to their church some Sunday morning.

I think, if people would admit it, we are all looking for “real.” We put on these false pretenses, trying to be someone we aren’t to impress others. However, we, ourselves, are looking for truth, something real, even if we aren’t acting like who we are.

I'm glad that Jesus came for me. I'm grateful He came for you! He sees something in us that cannot be seen by other human beings.

He sees our hearts, and He loves us, rejoices with us, holds us in our sorrows and dark places. He has a plan for our lives that goes beyond anything we can imagine, or even hope for. Believing these promises is the only thing that got me through many dark times when I thought I was alone and forgotten.

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

There are many people in our world who are living in darkness and thinking they, too, are forgotten. What if we believed that we are the hands and feet of Jesus and acted like it? What if we were the "REAL" that God wants us to be?

I feel like I am sounding like a broken record, but I think we could change the world. 

One person at a time.