Take Pictures, For Goodness Sakes!

One of Jim’s former students, who is now in his 30s (unbelievable!), helped organize a fundraiser in Kansas City for Halloween. Jim told me last year that we were going this year… no matter what! So in the midst of all that was going on here, we arranged for a friend to stay with the kids, made some plans, paid for our tickets, and we were off.

I am ashamed to admit that I only took 3 pictures. I can’t believe it! Jim took some at the costume party and of us dressed as pirates, ARG, but I missed out taking pictures of some of my favorite people.

We went to the party on Halloween night, met good friends for lunch, drove around the town we lived for 9 years… We moved to AR 8 years ago already. We sat outside of our old house we lived in for 6 years and reminisced a little about the memories. Good times.

We surprised some other good friends and went to see a friend who is like a mother to us. Her family adopted us into theirs when we met at church in 1998, and she affectionately became “Grandma” Barb. They spent holidays with us when their kids were at the in-laws. Her husband, “Grandpa” Bill, passed into eternity a year ago, and we had not seen each other for several years. We only had an hour together, but we made it great.

We went to a church that our friend started in Independence. It was so exciting to see what God is doing through him and his family.

And then we went to my brother’s house. Even then, we didn’t take any pictures of my beautiful niece and sweet little nephews. I can’t believe it!

Last Sunday, we left Kansas City, had lunch in Wichita with my parents and sister and her family, and we were back home in Texas before 8pm. A whirlwind trip of 3 days and 1100 miles. It has taken the whole week for me to feel human again.

But, oh, what a trip it was… even if there isn’t much visual evidence.

Loving Your Kids Makes Your Heart Ache Sometimes

This picture was taken on the first day of school in 2005. Aren't they precious?

I have been on the verge of having a good cry for several weeks. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I’m really struggling with remembering that God loves my kids more than me.

It’s very hard for me to not try to fix things that are going wrong. It’s hard for me when my kids are making decisions that aren’t what I would choose for them.

Some are detrimental to their well-being. Some decisions could be life-altering… and not in a good way.

It’s hard to remember that I made serious and life-altering decisions when I was their age. I wanted to be right about everything. I wanted to believe that the people I was with had some good qualities and, because I am a nice person, I would rub off on them.

But the opposite happened, and I was pulled down into the depths of despair instead.

You might think I’m being dramatic, but I’m just being honest. During that time, I was hungry (no money), had utilities shut off for non-payment, had a very high anxiety level, and was even homeless for a short period of time.

But I refused to give up.

That can be a good quality in someone, that sheer determination to make everything work out well. But it can also be bad if you can’t admit that you were wrong and make changes to your own life that will be for your benefit. No, that is not selfish, but some people might tell you that it is.

And, in all truthfulness, it’s scary. When you live your life a certain way for a period of time, it’s scary to change… even if the change is good. You don’t know what is coming your way, though, and one sharp-turn decision, one 180-degree turn, could be the catalyst to changing your life.

For me, it was running towards Jesus. It was me running to Him at a slow pace, but Him meeting me with open arms. It was me admitting I don’t have all the answers to my life, or the lives of other people I know.

When it’s my kids, though, I’m having trouble. I’m having trouble keeping my mouth closed and allowing them to make these decisions that are the direct opposite of what we’ve taught them for 18+ years. It’s me not alienating them with the things that I say or the way I treat them. I just want to take them, shake them, and say, “Please, please listen to me! I know what I’m talking about!”

The thing is, though, they know. They know the path I chose and how hard it was for me. They know my first husband was abusive, and they know I suffered greatly at his hand. They know I was homeless for a few weeks because of my decisions. And yet, here we are at this place.

I feel that if I could just have a good cry, I wouldn’t cry a little every day... some days more than others. I wouldn’t tear up at every single song that has something to do with the way God loves us and cares about us. And I pray for them when I hear certain songs, like “He Knows My Name” by Francesca Battistelli, that they will KNOW that God knows their names. He has written their names in Heaven. I pray that God will show Himself to them in a real and personal way so they have no more doubts that He is who He said He is. I pray that they see Truth as a cornerstone to their lives and find it significant. I pray for them to believe it and live it and be open to whatever future God leads them to.

I’m praying for me, too, because I find myself not knowing what to do. It was easy when they were little. I “controlled” their schedule. I didn’t always control what they did, and they were kids, so they did wrong things sometimes. But as we grow and mature, we learn from our mistakes and try NOT to make them again.

I’ve said to before, and I’ll say it again. Being a parent is hard. I’ve been both a kid and a parent, and I would say being a parent is harder. You can’t make your kids make the right decisions. You can’t protect them from themselves. Oh, I wish we could, and I would do it in a heartbeat.

But we all have free will.

I’m pretty sure that God wants to protect me from myself, too. I’m just grateful I have Him to lean on in these times. As much as I love my boys, God loves them more.

And again, He loves me, too.

Psalm 126:5 – Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

Psalm 30:5b - Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.