Loving Your Kids Makes Your Heart Ache Sometimes

This picture was taken on the first day of school in 2005. Aren't they precious?

I have been on the verge of having a good cry for several weeks. If you’ve been reading my blog, you know I’m really struggling with remembering that God loves my kids more than me.

It’s very hard for me to not try to fix things that are going wrong. It’s hard for me when my kids are making decisions that aren’t what I would choose for them.

Some are detrimental to their well-being. Some decisions could be life-altering… and not in a good way.

It’s hard to remember that I made serious and life-altering decisions when I was their age. I wanted to be right about everything. I wanted to believe that the people I was with had some good qualities and, because I am a nice person, I would rub off on them.

But the opposite happened, and I was pulled down into the depths of despair instead.

You might think I’m being dramatic, but I’m just being honest. During that time, I was hungry (no money), had utilities shut off for non-payment, had a very high anxiety level, and was even homeless for a short period of time.

But I refused to give up.

That can be a good quality in someone, that sheer determination to make everything work out well. But it can also be bad if you can’t admit that you were wrong and make changes to your own life that will be for your benefit. No, that is not selfish, but some people might tell you that it is.

And, in all truthfulness, it’s scary. When you live your life a certain way for a period of time, it’s scary to change… even if the change is good. You don’t know what is coming your way, though, and one sharp-turn decision, one 180-degree turn, could be the catalyst to changing your life.

For me, it was running towards Jesus. It was me running to Him at a slow pace, but Him meeting me with open arms. It was me admitting I don’t have all the answers to my life, or the lives of other people I know.

When it’s my kids, though, I’m having trouble. I’m having trouble keeping my mouth closed and allowing them to make these decisions that are the direct opposite of what we’ve taught them for 18+ years. It’s me not alienating them with the things that I say or the way I treat them. I just want to take them, shake them, and say, “Please, please listen to me! I know what I’m talking about!”

The thing is, though, they know. They know the path I chose and how hard it was for me. They know my first husband was abusive, and they know I suffered greatly at his hand. They know I was homeless for a few weeks because of my decisions. And yet, here we are at this place.

I feel that if I could just have a good cry, I wouldn’t cry a little every day... some days more than others. I wouldn’t tear up at every single song that has something to do with the way God loves us and cares about us. And I pray for them when I hear certain songs, like “He Knows My Name” by Francesca Battistelli, that they will KNOW that God knows their names. He has written their names in Heaven. I pray that God will show Himself to them in a real and personal way so they have no more doubts that He is who He said He is. I pray that they see Truth as a cornerstone to their lives and find it significant. I pray for them to believe it and live it and be open to whatever future God leads them to.

I’m praying for me, too, because I find myself not knowing what to do. It was easy when they were little. I “controlled” their schedule. I didn’t always control what they did, and they were kids, so they did wrong things sometimes. But as we grow and mature, we learn from our mistakes and try NOT to make them again.

I’ve said to before, and I’ll say it again. Being a parent is hard. I’ve been both a kid and a parent, and I would say being a parent is harder. You can’t make your kids make the right decisions. You can’t protect them from themselves. Oh, I wish we could, and I would do it in a heartbeat.

But we all have free will.

I’m pretty sure that God wants to protect me from myself, too. I’m just grateful I have Him to lean on in these times. As much as I love my boys, God loves them more.

And again, He loves me, too.

Psalm 126:5 – Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.

Psalm 30:5b - Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

God Loves My Kids - Take Two

It’s been really easy this week to forget my post from last time…

God loves my kids more than I do.

Without embarrassing my kids on here, which is not my intent, I can’t really say exactly what transpired this week. What I will say is this: My heart didn’t handle it well.

I have come to this conclusion on more than one occasion, though.

PARENTING IS HARD!

The word “hard doesn’t even describe it sometimes.

I want my kids to love God and make wise choices. That does not mean they will. And I have to say that it’s very disappointing when they don’t.

Jim is more “even” when it comes to what happens. I told him he doesn’t know what it’s like to be a Mom. I feel responsible for them, even though they are getting older. And I think I feel like a bit of a failure as a parent when they make unwise decisions.

I realize that is not the truth because, although I have made many parenting blunders, my kids KNOW that they know that I love them. And that is very important.

My head knows the truth, but sometimes my heart feels things. It feels the sting of rejection (of my goals for them). The heart isn’t always logical; at least I know mine isn’t.

I am sure my parents went through such heartbreak knowing/thinking about what my abusive first husband did to me. But they had to sit back and wait for me to make a wise decision to get out.

I am grateful I have someone to lean on during these times.

I made a very wise decision today for this Momma, and I had a massage. My back has been killing me while carrying the weight of the burdens that should be thrown off and given to God. While I was lying in the massage bed, I started praying immediately. But it wasn’t long until I was doing my deep breathing exercises because it hurt so badly. By the time the therapist was finished, I could hardly walk in a straight line. It’s amazing how much better I feel.

I went to the store, and then I ordered new glasses.

I had a lot of time alone today, and it made me evaluate where I am in my life. I am not taking very good care of this person who is supposed to be taking care of everyone else.

So I had a massage, bought some perfume, and ordered new glasses. All this was for me.

I don’t feel selfish at all.

Last night, my favorite acronym, H.A.L.T., came to mind. Don’t make any decisions when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. I have been all of those. However, at this moment, I am none of those.

So, I’m going to bed at a decent time tonight, and I’m not going to pick up my burdens.

“…weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5b)

“Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.” (Psalm 27:14)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

God Loves My Kids More Than I Do

Repeat after me:

God loves your kids even more than you do. God loves your kids even more than you do. God loves your kids…

This is a hard thing for me to remember when I’m worried about them and the decisions they have made/are making/will make in the future.

“It’s just that I love them so much, Lord!”

“I know you do. I love them, too.”

“But Lord, do you see what they’re doing?”

“Yes, I see them. I see you, too.”

“But Lord, I’m afraid something bad will happen!”

“Trust Me with them, Christy. You just need to trust Me.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had this conversation with Jesus, the Lord of all, about my sons. And the funny thing is my parents probably had this same conversation with Him about me.

I wouldn’t have called me a rebel, but maybe I kind of was. I thought I knew best about everything, and I didn’t ask for advice from wiser adults in my life. Oh, there were those who tried to help me, who prayed endlessly for me… And you know what? One day, I came to my senses, and I went back to church. I found love and mercy and family was waiting there for me.

But when I think about my kids and the future I wish for them, it’s so hard to be patient and remember that God has great plans for their futures, too! And it will NOT come sooner if I’m overbearing and critical of them. I don’t want to be, but I’m one to wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes my emotions get the best of me.

It’s not wrong to want more for them than what I was at that age.

I just have to trust God with them. He’s the only one who can change hearts. I don’t have that kind of power.

After all, He loves them even more than I do.

And He loves me, too.

Put an End to Domestic Violence

It is a horrible tragedy.

I’m talking about the story about Ray Rice and the video of the assault of his then-girlfriend.

She’s now said the media is to blame for her family’s problems and “accuses them of ruining their life and causing unnecessary pain and embarrassment” (http://www.aol.com/article/2014/09/09/wife-janay-rice-stands-by-former-ravens-running-back-ray-rice-in-angry-instagram-statement/20959519/). She is standing beside him during this controversy, even though SHE was the victim in the assault.

This is the theme of abusive relationships. According to the NNEDV (National Network to End Domestic Violence) website, www.nnedv.org, these are some of the “common characteristics” of abusers.

“Some of the subtle warning signs include:

They insist on moving too quickly into a relationship.

They can be very charming and may seem too good to be true.

They insist that you stop participating in leisure activities or spending time with family and friends.

They are extremely jealous or controlling.

They do not take responsibility for their actions and blame others for everything that goes wrong.

They criticize their partner’s appearance and make frequent put-downs.

Their words and actions don’t match.”

Personally, I can say I’ve seen those in action, each of those… and some others.

Unfortunately, we all know that Ray Rice has probably done this before. He didn’t look horrified, upset, or even remorseful, when he drug her out of that elevator after she collapsed.

No one really knows for sure how long this has been going on, or even if it still is. Was it just a one-time loss of control with this one girl?

My ex-husband assaulted every girl with whom he had a serious relationship. He was charming and controlling. And dangerous.

And he could have killed me.

Another important fact to remember is that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she is about to leave him (I use these terms her/him, but violence can happen in any relationship).

There are several phases in the “cycle” of abuse.

1.    Tension

2.    Explosion

3.    Honeymoon

They can go on and on and on. You get the picture. That’s why it’s called “cycle.”

There are different tactics abusers use to control their victims. You can find this “wheel of abuse” at http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/.

I think maybe Janay Palmer-Rice feels guilty. Oh, yes, we all know it isn’t her fault that her then-boyfriend assaulted her. Something the whole world has now seen. But it doesn’t matter what the truth is for victims of domestic violence. They (using collectively though every situation is different) believe they can somehow change the person they love. That somehow their love is enough to change them.

That simply is not true. But they don’t know that.

You don’t truly know that until you are out of the situation.

My heart really goes out to those who are victims of any type of abuse.

There was absolutely NO help for me when I needed it. There wasn’t a shelter or hotline for me to call in 1984-1989. Law enforcement relied on the victims to file charges against their abuser. Even if there was visible evidence that someone tried to strangle you. Even if.

I’m glad things are changing. It really is about time we bring this problem to light.

And for the people who abuse others, I do have sympathy for them, too. Do you know why?

Because they were probably abused, too.

People really don’t need our judgment. They need our help.

They need our compassion and resolve that we will not abuse others.

They need to know we will stand with them when they leave their abusers.

And the abusers need to know there is help! If someone is willing to change, no matter what it takes, he/she will succeed.

If you are in trouble, make the call. Get some help. 

1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

Please.

(My story is written on my other blog at leavingdvbehind.blogspot.com).