The Loss of Phoebe - She Wasn't "Just a Dog"

In August 2004, I was making a trip to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon. Jim was asleep after working the night-shift at QT, and the kids were having their quiet time (naps).

When I drove into the parking lot, I saw a pickup with a sign about free puppies.

So, I stopped.

I am a dog-lover. I’ve always been a dog-lover, and I know I will always be one. We had to find new homes for our former furry family members when we moved from OK to MO in 1997. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do because two of them had been with me through my previous life in an abusive marriage.

I got out of my car and walked over to the people who were there and looked inside at their little treasures. One, in particular, called out to me. She was black with white on her chest and paws, a little baby Lab mix. They told me she was the runt, and that sealed it for me.

I told them I would be back for her after my shopping trip, which I am pretty sure I cut very short.

I called Jim, and he said to go ahead and get her, although he was half-asleep when we talked.

She was scared, of course, when I took her home, but everyone just loved her.

Her name would be Phoebe, or as Caleb spelled her name on a story he wrote in school, Fee-Bee.

She became the center of attention for our family. She loved to get under the wooden deck in the back yard and cry, scream, really, until someone rescued her. She also loved to jump up on the wooden dog house in the back yard of the house we rented, calculate her move, and jump over the fence, running down the sidewalk and mocking us as we chased after her.

She was a very “smiley” girl.

The smiles continued when we moved to AR, and when we chased her down the street, she ran with a freedom and smile that couldn’t be matched… or caught easily. She was having the time of her life.

I remember saying to her one time, “Hey, you dog, don’t you love us? You are always trying to get away.”

I could go on and on with stories how Jesse and Isaac threw her like a football in the backyard, and she was so scared she shook with fear for almost an hour while I held her in a blanket. Or when she escaped and got a fish hook in her ear on a Sunday morning before church, and I had a hard time feeling sorry for her. Or when the only person she would listen to was Jim, and she ignored me as much as she could when she was running down the road.

But that girl, she was one of a kind.

Last fall, Phoebe was 12, and we found out she had cancer. We knew she had lumps all over her underside, but we knew that can also be normal for older dogs. We took her to the doctor for lumps in her glands, and we were told she had lymphoma.

Isaac wouldn’t believe it. He was with me, and when the doctor left the room, he said, “Nope. She doesn’t have cancer. She doesn’t.”

We did everything we could to make her comfortable, but it was obvious the cancer was starting to take over. Her teeth started falling out with the terrible inflammation/tumors of her gums. The teeth she had left were going every which way, even sideways, and yet, Phoebe was still smiling.

At the beginning of February, it became painfully clear that our girl was getting worse, and we had to make that dreaded decision.

On Monday, February 13^th, we had an appointment set up at 5:00. Everyone was going to be there. Jim, Jesse, Isaac and I had left work and school early, and Jim stopped at Wendy’s to pick up some burgers for her. She loved them!

I think she knew what was going on. We loved on her, hugged her, kissed her, took a lot of pictures, and none of us could believe we were having to say goodbye.

When it came time to head to the vet, Caleb had put her harness on her, and she slipped on the tile as she wasn’t walking too steadily, and she slammed her face into Caleb’s shoe. That began the flow of blood from her gums that wouldn’t stop. There she was, standing in the yard with blood dripping from her mouth, yet she was smiling because she got to go somewhere.

In the car, the kids started arguing about whose fault it was that it happened, and Caleb was blamed for something that was really just a terrible accident. He fell apart because he was the one who had been taking care of her since she was diagnosed. He didn’t have a job, and taking care of Phoebe was his job. In fact, just that morning, while we were still at work and school, he was in the back yard digging her grave so we wouldn’t have to do it after she was gone.

All of us met at the vet’s office, I went in and told them what had happened with the bleeding, and they said whenever we were ready, to bring her in.

It was fast. She was on the table, looking at me lovingly, and right before she left us, she looked up at Jim, and then closed her eyes.

All of us were crying, brokenhearted, watching our girl go. She was our very first “family” dog, and she had been with us for almost her whole life. All except the first 9 weeks she was alive. We had been through a lot together.

And she was gone.

Jim wrapped her up in the sheet after we all said our goodbyes, and he carried her out to the car.

At home, we put her inside her grave, right next to Sophie’s, and with that, she was gone.

You might be reading this and saying, you know, she was just a dog. Personally, I don’t know if there is such a thing as “just a dog.”

Losing her doggie sister, Sophie, just 15 months before, and then losing Phoebe, my gosh.

I didn’t fall apart too badly that day, and I mentioned it to Jim. “I haven’t really fallen apart about Phoebe yet,” I said. And he said, “Yeah, I know…”

A few days later, we had just gone to bed, and my mind went back to that day we lost her, and I totally fell apart, sobbing hard, and Jim asked, “What’s going on?” I strained to get the words out, “I miss Phoebe!”  And that was that.

As I sit here recounting this experience, my eyes are welling up with tears, and my heart skips a few beats. It’s like losing a part of your family when your dog moves on to somewhere else.

I don’t know if there is a place in Heaven for dogs, but for as long as I’m alive, I’m going to believe there is. And in that place, I know Sophie and Phoebe are running and smiling.

Psalm 126 & 127

There are times when I sit down to read my Bible, and I’m not sure what I should be reading. I just opened it up, and these two chapters of Psalms were there on the page – a soothing and encouraging word directly from heaven today. 

“When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, we were like men who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, the Lord has done great things for them. The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, O Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.” Psalm 126

“Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for he grants sleep to those he loves. Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.” Psalm 127

Our labor and love is not in vain. 

Keep going.

Keep believing.

I Love Fall But...

If you talk to me, you will hear me say that Fall is my favorite season. I’m not sure why I say that when, traditionally, Fall has been a very hard season for me.

As a student in a new school, and as a 7^th grader, I found out I had Scoliosis.

As a Senior in High School, I had a boyfriend, my parents heard he was “doing drugs,” and they broke up with him on my behalf against my wishes. (As a side note, I’m grateful.)

From 1984-1989, I was living with a man who became my husband and abused me in all ways.

In 1993, I had been married to my new husband for 2 years, he left me for the 4^th time, and I knew it was over that time.

BUT GOD.

It is miraculous how another break in my heart, a crushing blow that told me I wasn’t good enough for anyone, actually broke me and gave me strength to tell the Lord that it didn’t matter if no man every loved me (that was so hard), He did, and that was all that had to matter to me.

It was that Fall my husband turned back to me and Jesus, and it was that Fall that I asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life, not just the one who forgave my sins.

So, good things also happen in the Fall…

In 1994 and 1995, I was pregnant with Noah and Jonah respectively.

In 1997, I was pregnant with Caleb.

In 1999, I was pregnant with Jesse and Isaac.

In 2006, we moved from MO to AR, and we left 9 years of life behind.

The rhythms of life…

In 2009, we went through a very hard time in our marriage but stayed together because we knew that God brought us together through miraculous circumstances.

In Fall of 2014, we found out 2 of our sons weren’t making good decisions, and it was so hard.

In Fall of 2015, our oldest son moved out, and our beloved dog, Sophie, passed away.

We never have any money in the Fall. We just scrape by.

This time of year, I find myself more vulnerable to hurt feelings, emotional misunderstandings, and hoping and praying that this will be the year that Fall won’t be a messy one.

There is one thing I know, however. No matter what the days hold, God is always there, and He knows it all. He knows what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. He holds my life in His hand, and I need to trust Him.

Proverbs 3:25-26 – “No need to panic over alarms or surprises, or predictions that doomsday’s just around the corner because God will be right there with you; He’ll keep you safe and sound.” (The Message Translation)

There's No Place Like Home - Not Even California Unless CA is Your Home

When we woke up that Saturday morning, we were on a mission to get those 4 suitcases packed up and ready to go. We ended up leaving our water bottles and some of our snacks with the hotel staff because we couldn’t take it with us.

We ate breakfast at the hotel and then got gas at the station on the corner. There was a car with a man, woman and child in it, and the guy was asking for money to get home. Whether he was telling the truth or scamming people wasn’t our responsibility, but we did give them $20 and Jim told the clerk they were out there.

Turning Challenger in to Enterprise was a little bittersweet.

We got to the airport a little early, but it was okay. We sat and played… wait for it… CANASTA! And we ate lunch.

I would say that leaving the area was a little tough, however, we had our family waiting for us at home, and that made it good.

The layover in Las Vegas was HOT. The airport was hot, and it was just plain hot.

It seemed like the flight into Dallas took forever, but we finally arrived! Our luggage was one of the last to come off the plane, so we stood and waited for a long time. A lady from Plano was actually waiting, too, and we started talking. They were flying home from Chicago, and we agreed that it was very nice to be home.

Jonah had to drive around the terminal several times in order for him to stop and pick us up. But finally, it happened, and we were on the road to home.

Isaac stayed up to see us, but Jesse and Caleb were asleep.

Could our trip really be over? It went by in the blink of an eye.

I wish I could explain the emotions I feel when I think about this trip and what it meant to me. Maybe someday I will have adequate words, but for now, when someone says “California,” I just smile.

Our Last Day in California

It was the last full day we had in California. A bittersweet day, to say the least.

Jim asked someone at the hotel if there was a good breakfast place around, and they said there wasn’t and we would be better off to find somewhere on our way to Sacramento.

The traffic was insane on the way! And it cost $5 to drive over a bridge. And it wasn’t even the Golden Gate Bridge. We thought about going into San Francisco and driving over it, but it would have probably added 2-3 hours onto our drive for the day. When I originally planned the hotels/drives, I thought it would be great that we only had about 80 miles to our hotel in Sacramento, that it wouldn’t take that long. But it did.

We finally stopped at an IHOP along the way. It was probably halfway between Berkeley and our destination.

This was after we watched motorcycles drive down the middle line between cars going the same direction. When the cars were stopped, the cycles drove right down the middle. It was very scary to think about what might happen to them especially remembering the accident our friend was in last year just following the rules of the road.

 

It was a weird feeling, saying goodbye to the Pacific. Seeing it was something I had wanted to do for a long time. It was one of those things in your life that you want to do but you know there is a possibility you will never see it.

But I did.

To say I fell in love with California might be a little dramatic, but I feel the passion in my heart each time I mention this trip… every time I relive a day we spent there together, just the two of us in a crowd of people with the ocean playing its symphony in the background.

And the weather had changed so much! It was about 60 the whole time we were on the coast, but just 70 miles inland, it was 90. Isn't that just crazy?

We finally made it to our hotel, which was a nice little Fairfield Inn by the airport. The room was smaller (and less expensive!) than we had been staying in, but it was pretty nice. After Jim hauled everything into the room, I wondered how we were every going to pack it all in the four suitcases we brought. We had added stuff along the way, water, snacks, souvenirs, a fan. We decided we would leave the water and the snacks we couldn’t pack away with the hotel staff.

We were both feeling the exhaustion at this point. I had such great plans for seeing the capital building after meeting a friend for dinner. But after we ate dinner, we found a Walmart (and I can’t remember why we even went there) and went back to the hotel. At 7:00, we were down in the lobby in our pajamas with our snacks and cards. We watched the Olympics women’s soccer match while playing. Finally, at 10, we were worn out and went back to the room.

It was pretty neat that we weren’t the only hotel guests that were hanging out in the lobby. People were coming in and using the microwave and making coffee and hanging around if even for a few minutes.

We didn’t take a lot of pictures this last day. Only the traffic one and this one of us with our friend and her son.

The next morning, we were packing up and heading home to see our family. We were glad to be seeing them, for sure, but we were also a little sad that our trip was coming to an end.