I'm Not Perfect

If you haven't seen my previous posts, I have been blessed to be a part the launch team for Jill Savage's new book, "No More Perfect Moms."

In reading the book, and being on the launch team, something unexpected has happened: I'm finding I'm not alone in my mom-wife-journey. And that has been so wonderful. I have met some of the neatest women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. We are on this journey together, and that is really very comforting, even if we only "know" each other by blogging and facebook.

When I was married to my first husband, who was violent and abused me, I learned to put on a happy face. I didn't disclose to anyone what was really going on behind closed doors. I am sure that my friends and family knew violence was happening, but I never talked about it. I did, however, try to act like everything was fine... all the time. Even through the tears, bruises, bodily and emotional harm... and crushed spirit. I said and tried to act like all was still fine, and everything was going great!

I learned that when I started facing the truth, my life began to unravel. I didn't understand that it had to unravel in order for God to repair the damage that had been done for so long.

Even after getting married again to a great guy, and turning back to Jesus, I took all of my baggage into that relationship. Jim hauled some in, too, and we were a mess. For our first 2-1/2 years of being together, our friends didn't know if we were together, or split up each time we saw them. I couldn't figure out why we just couldn't make it work.

It was because I had unrealistic expectations. And so did he.

We've come a long way in almost 22 years. But we still succumb to unrealistic expectations.

You see, one of my struggles is placing unrealistic expectations on myself. In doing so, I also place those expectations on other people, too, especially to those who are closest to me. When they don't live up to them, I am sorely disappointed and wonder if it's something I have done, didn't do, should have done, etc. Being a mom, it's probably natural to expect that I am responsible for everything my kids do, or don't do. But I'm finding, albeit gradually, that my kids have wills of their own. They might decide to make mistakes that I wish they wouldn't. As much as we can "control" them when they are young, as they get older, they may not do things the way we wish they would.

Ouch.

I made so many mistakes in my young adult life, and I have prayed all these years that my boys would listen to me, heed my warnings, and not feel that they have to make the same mistakes. I have found that isn't the way things are in the "real" world. I was hardheaded and made some stupid decisions, so why would I expect they wouldn't be the same?

I am the first to admit I have a long way to go. And I'm grateful for my family who quickly forgives when I'm not perfect. I just need to work on forgiving myself, too.